Ruminations

Although my tenure of being a stepdad has ended I have learned a lot in 13 years. On the plus side I lived the life of a father and had true devotion from the children sired by another. My stepson now a young man with a family of his own presented the most challenges to me and yet he stood as steadfast as he could to be fair and not side unfairly with his birth mother. I will always appreciate that because as I have said many times here blood is indeed thicker than water and it would have been easy for him to stick to his nuclear roots.  

My step daughters although they have not spoken to me once since the breakup I do not blame them for siding with their mother after all she gave them a life when their natural father gave them nothing except a genetic code. On the plus side as well was the fact that I was forced out of my selfish ways because I needed to compensate for children that were egocentric as all children are but I was not used to.  I got a lesson in psychology too in that what was important to me mattered little to them.  

Of course in many ways I felt used, abused and ignored even though my blended family would deny any such thought but if I had established boundaries and kept my ego in check I could have avoided most of the heartbreak I face now.  

Purgatory

Although I have suspended my entries for the time being in Step Dad I will be continue to be affected for the foreseeable future even if I never see someone else’s charges ever again. And I know that finance for their future journey will continue to come from me because of my wife’s truly unselfish nature I have to let go of it.  I can easily mire myself in resentment as to what went on in this 13-year segment of my life but I will keep my wife in my care because she will continue to keep her offspring in hers. Some people never grow up and that includes stepchildren and yours truly step dad.  She will go to heaven I know that I will have a long sentence in purgatory although some might wish me to Go to Hell.  

Blood Is Thicker Than Water

A word from my own experience and that is don’t ever fool yourself into thinking that your stepchildren have a deeper allegiance to you than their biological father no matter how much of a screw up he is or was.  There are exceptions of course but if you inherit children from the age of majority don’t fool yourself into thinking that you have ensconced yourself into their hearts unless of course you have a bank account.  

And their mother will roll out every excuse imaginable as to why they are behaving a certain way. It’s not her fault she is just doing her best to rationalize her offspring’s behavior that you have nothing to do with. And most probably to be fair the damage done by their father (which they will always forgive) has left them scarred. And be prepared to be the object of their frustration to take it out on.  

I learned much as a step dad and your experience might be much different than mine was but remember this: Blood is thicker than water.  

  

Deposed

At first I thought I was a surrogate dad but after a time I realized that I was no more than a figurehead with no judicial powers. Now I am a deposed figurehead who is ignored in my own home. 

Social Proof

I don’t need to prove to myself who I am but lately it seems I have to remind my residents that I have not changed just because my marital status is on the brink of oblivion. No one takes into account what it is I exactly did here and that makes me not angry but just a bit uncomfortable when this is my house and not theirs. I am not talking about my wife lest someone misconstrue my intention here.  I am responsible and if my disintegrating family thinks otherwise I am truly sorry they feel that way. Oh and who ever might be butting in with cheap advice; lay off you don’t know me at all.  And you might be hurting what my intention is. And to my soon to be ex-sister in law this means you too.  

The Wolf Moon Revisited

As I helped celebrate my stepson’s 25th birthday with his mother, my wife and his wife a delightful native Chinese woman at the Cheesecake Factory, we witnessed the Wolf Moon. I suppose you might have heard about it being recognized as the first full moon of 2010 but also one that will  be the most brilliant of the year.

It gave me an inspirational metaphor about my own moon that has waxed and waned during my tenure as a stepfather. It made me realize that no matter how much of a ‘moon phase’ I was showing I have always been there for these now adult stepchildren even when I felt like I was only a new moon.

Quacked

Just like a sitting President or in my case a figurehead that is in lame duck status I will continue to scribe what my step parenting role meant for not only my sake but for those that are in the throes of their daily struggle of trying to make sense of what is real, what is an illusion and what is just temporary. 

I as I have joked here many times I was only a figurehead in this realm but I certainly lent any of my treasury to my subjects as needed never hording except for some indulgences like too many watches.  As I move on to the next chapter or maybe just a new book I will use the lessons learned here to not give advice even when asked and only when pushed to extremes will I offer my own experience. In this way I am never telling or suggesting those asking what to do. Those decisions are left for the individuals to decide to live and if necessary die with.