The Neophyte

Some 12 ½ years later my stepson still asks for my counsel. I must treat it with reverence, because if I don’t I run the risk of him not coming back for more complicated advice when it really means something.  At times I have been dismissive when he has tried to talk to me about subjects that seem arcane and remote and my attitude has sometimes been supercilious.  I regret that because although my experience tells me his questions are irrelevant or even speculative, they are relevant to him. I must not take his being a neophyte in some of the ways of the world as a reason to ever treat him with disdain else it will be me feeling remorseful one day soon.  

The Balance

 I came to a revelation about criticism of my stepson. In the almost 2 ½ years since my Chinese daughter in law has lived with us, I have never once complained, felt resentment towards or had a cross word with her.  She is my barometer of my own equanimity toward any commentary I have had about her husband.  

It is the balance that I always look for even though my emotions sometimes get the better of me. Instinctual automatic thoughts plague me at times and a lot of them are self centered and righteous.  This young woman from a half world away has been the second agent sent by a power greater than myself to indoctrinate me and help me recover from my stinking thinking. 

The Dunce

In the female world from my set of bi focal glasses I am held hostage on a number of fronts.  As a stepfather, it is not what I have done it is what I am failing at now that makes the daily headlines. Only today my wife didn’t like the way I was handling my stepson’s double speculations about his and his wife’s lives going forward.  His biological father is nowhere on the radar screen to weigh in albeit one slice of American cheese, yet my attitudes are given the scrutiny of a mollycoddling mother that just never wants her little boy to ever grow up even though she will never admit that. The second front that bedevils me each and every day, my own intelligence. It is a curse and for all those claims that I am a genius, I am the biggest dope in the corner of the classroom with the dunce cap firmly planted on my oversized noggin.    

Stepdad a Retrospective

I often think of how my stepchildren would have fared had I not entered their life. Make no mistake this is not going to be an entry about Jack the blowhard. My suspicion is they would have turned out just fine without me.  However, I do know their lives wouldn’t have been the same had I not entered their life, sometimes for the worse but I am confident mostly for the better. 

I know that I have done much better than their biological father could ever do but as I have chronicled he was never up to the task of being a father. Not his fault it was just not his strong suit. Of course the fact that I did not sire children gave me a different lens on how to be a custodian for children that were older and had already made up their minds about how they were going to live their life. The consistency of my sobriety kept the aberrant behavior they had to endure to a minimum.  

What factor did I have in their lives?  I suppose they had a home base that they knew would not contain the strife they had learned to live with in their past life. They knew that for the most part I was a reasonable man even though I thought I had gone beyond reason at times. I suppose I might change some things like establishing boundaries and being just a bit tougher with my stepson and his lack of drive at times but all in all with out a book I did my assignment fairly well. I give myself a B-.  

Wind Shift

 The household is still as confusing as it ever was but only different. My stepson is gainfully employed and I have one person to thank over and over for that small miracle. This woman has changed my life because she believed in my son once removed by marriage. He is a great young man because like me his is in touch with his anima.  The fact that he has an income will bring changes that I have been wishing for and like my friend keeps telling me: Be careful what you wish for, you just may get it. 

Letting Go of the Tow Rope

 I have sometimes wondered what it might be like if I let go of the tow rope that keeps my family with a roof over their head and all the amenities of 21st century living. That might sound rather heartless and look like I am trying to shirk my manly duties, but that’s hardly the case. When one does the work that I do and I don’t get applause for weaving around those poles when I head downhill there’s a problem Houston. 

 I make sure that I validate everything my nuclear family does, but it saddens me that I don’t get the validation for the work that I do and the effort I put forth. I think part of it is because I’m the smart one and I’m the one who is self-sufficient and doesn’t need any soft soap. But therein lies the rub I need my butt patted once in awhile and a look in the eyes that shows they know what the hell I am going through. 

So wake up family I may be the smart one but right now I’m feeling pretty stupid.