Fenced Off

Whether they are visible or invisible we all have fences we have erected along our perimeter.

I used to try to climb over or open the gates that my loved ones constructed around themselves. What I was to discover that I was not wanted on that strip of property. It was difficult to learn this lesson because as a male it was inbred that I try to ‘fix’ whatever ailed those closest to me. It showed I cared and I thought that it came from good intention. But good intention can easily go awry, because no matter how soft the language or quiet the action, I was often rebuffed. So instead of feeling closer I moved further away, so far away that I turned a dear ear to what I thought I should be listening to. There needed to be a balance between caring that wasn’t wanted and caring that was needed.

When I tried to determine where I could position myself around this fence I found out that knowing was not through trial and error. It was not how I was reacted to, but rather this determination had to come from my interior not their exterior. I knew that I could not control people places and things, so I had to digest viscerally where I needed to be myself first. What did that mean though? How could I know where I needed to be? I never paid attention to it before, so how could I recognize it? That realization came when I took care of my own feelings first, and then my family showed me quite clearly where and when they wanted me.