Do Over

The biggest thing I would change is keeping my mouth shut. It has gotten me into trouble on many occasions. I think that your blended family gets to say almost  anything they want to short of character assassination because they are the one’s that have been hurt. Or so they think. And what they think matters 1000 times more than what you as the Step Dad thinks. Unfair, but them’s the breaks I am afraid. A man has to be able to swallow much pride and often without water.  Even though things will stick in your throat, you have to make do if you want to make love. 

My Asian Foil

My daughter in law is fast becoming my foil. She has readily adapted to my kidding ways and is giving  me a heaping tablespoon of my own medicine. And I cannot tell you how delighted I am. She is my treasure and I will love her and her offspring with paternal pride and a deep satisfaction that I was an integral part of her life here in America. 

My stepson and that damn hat of his. Some of his blood relatives have commented to me about it and asked:  “What’s with him and that hat?”  I notice that they conveniently do not talk to his mother about it. She may not be as much a willing listen as they think I am.  However it is not the hat he is enamored with, it is the fact that he thinks he needs to mask his face. Now without bragging rights that I sired him my stepson is an extremely handsome man, and if you saw his wedding photos of him and his wife you would ask what magazine are they displayed in?  

They have the life of Riley and continue a life in the somnolent state.  I on the other hand am up by dawn for no other reason than I want to write about my spin blogs or exercise and be the cat door man. But, this is my choice, I could sleep late and get fat I just choose not to. 

The Two Year Degree

On those rare days when my step son and daughter in law leave for the day or night it feels so good. I love them for sure but to be alone and not to have another married couple living upstairs is freedom for me.  I like the idea of not having them in my care at least for a few hours. I am free in my mind even though they will appear at any moment. I usually herald that the “immigrants are home,” whenever they appear at the side door. I never envisioned this to be an associates degree. I just hope I don’t have to stick around for a B.S. 

Soup Noodles

One thing is for sure I love soup noodles. No it’s not chicken noodle soup. This dish is a genuine Mainland Chinese dish. Plenty of vegetables, meat and of course noodles in a broth that is not to be believed. A great meal fit for a step dad.  My Chinese daughter in law has a great repertoire of the aforementioned dish, spring rolls, (my personal favorite) dumplings and of course fried rice.  I get treated at least once or twice a week to these healthy dishes. I still have traditional meals like meat and potatoes and pizza but having this as part of my cuisine makes me feel slightly international and a tad bit healthier too. 

Personal Boundaries

What would I give advice about? I think the first and most crucial is establishing boundaries. I never did that nor did I even consider how important it is. And I am not just talking about boundaries between husband and wife I am also talking about boundaries between you and the step children. The approach talk is relatively simple. And depending on the age of the step child, it can come simply in a relaxed conversation as to what you expect from them, and this is crucial let them speak about what they expect from you. This might take submerging your ego just a tad because as an adult we may not want to listen to what a younger person has to say. However, I think it can go a long way in making sure that you get started off on the right foot.

The Fisherman's Net

My parents had the perfect marriage when it came to how they handled one child trying to manipulate one over the other. My sister's and I would look for a weakness in either of our parents as a way to get something we wanted the other was dead set against. My mother would say: What did your father say and if we tried dad he would say the same thing: What did your mother say. They closed ranks faster than butter on hot corn on a summer day.

The same would be a perfect scenario for step parenting as well, but it rarely works out that way. Different agendas between the biological parent and the step parent inevitably lead to holes in the fish net. The fish that slip through the net are the step children. They can often manipulate the mother to get their way. Not in a devious way mind you but being egocentric as children are they feel it is their want. I have been powerless at times to be apart of decisions I would like to have been included in but in an effort to please kids I think mothers (in my case) have a tendency to try to over compensate for failed marriages even though those circumstances might have been out of her control. I have often called my wife “the bobble head doll”. In the early days of our marriage my wife when her children asked for something said yes before the question was out of their mouths.

The fisherman's net was often full of holes my step children swam through, I hope you get to sew the net better than I ever could.  

The Square Rooter

It is the day after my middle step's wedding shower luncheon. My ego was bruised when she called last night to thank her mother for the effort she put forth in making it a success. My name was conspicuously left out even though I was not in on any of the planning. My Heather who is really someone else s Heather, has been so organized going back to school days where every book had to be covered that very same night. At the onset of her engagement she had the wheels rolling full speed and I know that even now she even has her eyes on who might be a candidate to be her child's Nanny when the time comes. She will not wait for conception, it will be plotted before the fetus is a twinkle in the couples eyes. Maybe it's something to admire but that does not leave room for spontaneity which every relationship thrives on. Oh well it's hard to argue she seems the most well adjusted and who am I to complain?

Responsibility

I cannot be responsible for what I think the biological parents roles should be. I can only hope that I do not exacerbate their tenuous position of having their children in my care. I have to respect that there is a degree of trust by default for the father not being present on a day to day basis. I without instruction have a duty to care for children that are not my own so I have to hold myself to a higher standard that has to be beyond reproach and avoid negative scrutiny at all costs. I need not add to the broken family's wounds by trying to enhance my position at the expense of any of my blended family.

My responsibility is not to view my role as a saviour because that is a thankless role and only invites disappointment because there is no way that I can live up to what that role entails because being human I will fail and a saviour winds up on the cross eventually.

Electricity the High Priestess of False Security

There are some days that I get to have fun with my blended family. Last night was one of those nights. The kids were forced to be with my wife and I because the lights went out. Our lives of course are intertwined because we live together but it took the loss of electricity to actually put us in the same room other than the times we have meals together. It was sobering because I think we all started to appreciate that without power we have to supply our own.

Basil Rathbone as Sherlock Holmes in the 1944 movie, “The Pearl of Death” said: Electricity, the high priestess of false security. And with the blackout on our block last night that line from that fictional movie resonated quite solidly with all my family members even though they haven't seen that celluloid gem.

Just the thought of having no air conditioning, no lights, no TV and no Internet had us sitting on the couch collectively having to make conversation that we would normally never have. There were some silent intervals, which had to be expected but overall we managed and I found myself the least comfortable because I too often feel like I have to entertain my family. I just wasn't up to the task last night but then I realized I didn't have to carry the ball I could just be. I get caught up sometimes as a human doing instead of a human being. Last night I got a taste that 'being' was my only choice. Just then the lights went on.

Talk the Talk

An interview, which will be ongoing with my stepchildren. What is it like to be a stepchild and how do you toggle back and forth between your mother’s new mate and your biological father.

My stepson told me that he has seamless transitions between his time with me and the time with his father.  He sees us as two older men in his life to draw from. 

And then I asked him:  What kinds of things do you talk about with him that you don’t share with me and vice versa?  A phone call interrupted him.

My wife told my eldest stepdaughter about it and she seemed to be reluctant but she said she would do it for me.  TBC

Compassion

Compassion is putting my needs second and my stepchild first. However it’s more than just that. Compassion is putting myself in the shoes of my wife’s offspring. It is about remembering when I was their age and feeling what I felt then. I know I can improve on my parent’s behavior and give my stepchildren the benefit of the doubt that I was not afforded because discipline was the only order of the day with my parents and me.