Blood Is Thicker Than Water

A word from my own experience and that is don’t ever fool yourself into thinking that your stepchildren have a deeper allegiance to you than their biological father no matter how much of a screw up he is or was.  There are exceptions of course but if you inherit children from the age of majority don’t fool yourself into thinking that you have ensconced yourself into their hearts unless of course you have a bank account.  

And their mother will roll out every excuse imaginable as to why they are behaving a certain way. It’s not her fault she is just doing her best to rationalize her offspring’s behavior that you have nothing to do with. And most probably to be fair the damage done by their father (which they will always forgive) has left them scarred. And be prepared to be the object of their frustration to take it out on.  

I learned much as a step dad and your experience might be much different than mine was but remember this: Blood is thicker than water.  

  

Deposed

At first I thought I was a surrogate dad but after a time I realized that I was no more than a figurehead with no judicial powers. Now I am a deposed figurehead who is ignored in my own home. 

Social Proof

I don’t need to prove to myself who I am but lately it seems I have to remind my residents that I have not changed just because my marital status is on the brink of oblivion. No one takes into account what it is I exactly did here and that makes me not angry but just a bit uncomfortable when this is my house and not theirs. I am not talking about my wife lest someone misconstrue my intention here.  I am responsible and if my disintegrating family thinks otherwise I am truly sorry they feel that way. Oh and who ever might be butting in with cheap advice; lay off you don’t know me at all.  And you might be hurting what my intention is. And to my soon to be ex-sister in law this means you too.  

The Wolf Moon Revisited

As I helped celebrate my stepson’s 25th birthday with his mother, my wife and his wife a delightful native Chinese woman at the Cheesecake Factory, we witnessed the Wolf Moon. I suppose you might have heard about it being recognized as the first full moon of 2010 but also one that will  be the most brilliant of the year.

It gave me an inspirational metaphor about my own moon that has waxed and waned during my tenure as a stepfather. It made me realize that no matter how much of a ‘moon phase’ I was showing I have always been there for these now adult stepchildren even when I felt like I was only a new moon.

Quacked

Just like a sitting President or in my case a figurehead that is in lame duck status I will continue to scribe what my step parenting role meant for not only my sake but for those that are in the throes of their daily struggle of trying to make sense of what is real, what is an illusion and what is just temporary. 

I as I have joked here many times I was only a figurehead in this realm but I certainly lent any of my treasury to my subjects as needed never hording except for some indulgences like too many watches.  As I move on to the next chapter or maybe just a new book I will use the lessons learned here to not give advice even when asked and only when pushed to extremes will I offer my own experience. In this way I am never telling or suggesting those asking what to do. Those decisions are left for the individuals to decide to live and if necessary die with. 

Smoke Dreams

The dream may be over but so is the drama. I am certain that I contributed to some of it but a lot had to do with the fact that I was just not equipped to handle another man’s offspring. My sister said that she could not conceive of being custodian of someone else’s children. It is not for the faint of heart to be sure and the balancing act is less dizzying if you don’t have your own children but that is a handicap as well because you have no living examples of your own to compare it to. 

I will always cherish my attempt at being a father and there will be much that I will take to my grave knowing what I have learned. Children are 100 times more concerned about what is happening in their lives as they are in yours, but my stepchildren always kept me on my toes because they expected more out of me especially being married to their mother. 

My wife did a splendid job raising three children virtually by herself and I like to think that we spent many more days in harmony than not in my  attempt to assist her as she gave them a family life of their own. 

Dunderhead

 While out with a friend of mine who is also a client this week, he shared with me that after the death of his wife 8 years ago any involvement he might have with another woman had to adhere to one rule: She did not have children of her own. He was determined not to have his offspring saddled with the daunting task to merge with another woman’s family. He had insight, which I lacked primarily because I did not have children of my own. 

Time heals all wounds I thought as it applied to my own situation but I realized that I would never get close to another woman’s children again other than to be a witness she can share with. I refuse to give my heart, soul and finances to another man’s responsibility. Call it callous, call it selfish I have done myself an injustice thinking I was anything more than just a figurehead and custodian for the egocentric who were just as quick to move in with me when it suited them as to leave me by the side of the road when their own needs had been sated. The anger I feel consumes me.  Never again will I take on another man’s burden. No one will be in my bedroom except my partner and me.

Death of a Step Dad

I won’t wax acrimoniously about my disembodied, disenfranchised status as a stepparent. I do know that no one can take the time spent away from me. I gave that portion of my life my best efforts. To those that have judged me I say I am sorry you feel that way. You are entitled to your opinions but just remember me when your life goes to hell  it will be up to you to bring it back from the brink. People in glass houses should not throw stones and dogs shouldn’t howl at night either.  

Burnt Toast

I know what I brought to their lives and no one can take that from me even myself. Water evaporates eventually but blood is always thicker than water no matter what  wounds were inflicted and I accept that. My stepson said that my addiction is one of choice what was their father's excuse. For me I have run out of excuses and for that I will be heartily sorry. What is, is. 

Step-Dad will not close down because I have much to share about blended families and why the biological portion of the family no man will put asunder. When man sires a child his replacement is just a figurehead no matter what they say and that's okay. Just know that going in. 

What Dreams May Come

As I watch the precious lives of my stepchildren unfold two of the three face challenges even I could not comprehend. One is faced with a job market that is desolate at best the other what every woman needs and that is a child to bear for her husband and to start her family like the one her biological parents had once dreamed of. 

I am convinced that my stepchildren who are in my biased opinion the best another man sired and my wife conceived, will live long and also prosper.  

Mother's Day

What goes on Mother’s Day at my house? Well all the stepchildren are honoring their Mother with a brunch spearheaded by none other than my middle stepdaughter who does everything with purpose and design. She never leaves a stone unturned. That is why she is so successful in her business life. I don’t know if that in turn means that her relationships follow suit but I have heard many accounts that her friends look to her for expert guidance in most facets of their lives as well. 

I never relish these get togethers but they usually make my wife feel attended and loved and fortunately they never last too long like some of the affairs at my sister in laws where the drinking is always overdone. My blended family never goes overboard with imbibing and never personifies it. In other words they drink like earthlings and never alcoholically, at least not in my presence. I like to think it is out of respect for me but even if it’s not I love how mature my stepchildren are in virtually every aspect of their lives. 

My mother passed more than 11 years ago and so when this holiday comes around I always feel as if I am just an onlooker and not a participant. 

The Monomoy

Do I even dare write about just how good things are going inside my blended family?  I have just made a decision that my stepson as a married man of almost 3 years now is capable of being reasonable and fair in the scheme of things.  And he is mindful of the fact that we are two families living under one roof and we have to pull together as if we were all in a monomoy and rowing in unison.

It has been brought to my attentions that in China and even in Europe including India extended families stay together and nurture each other. I am not saying it’s a ‘til death do us part but for now right or wrong I am feeling more calm, less stressed and most importantly less resentful about my living arrangements. In this economy there is not really any alternative and even if I wanted my stepson and daughter in law to move out it wouldn’t be now.

My daughter in law makes me smile everyday especially when she changes the inflection in her voice and sounds so “American”, it’s as if she has learned the colloquial dialect of a Long Island woman.

Paradigm Shift

It’s been a long time since I have made an entry into Step Dad and mainly it’s due to the fact that my stepson and I are on the best of terms since I don’t know when. At first I thought it was all due to the paradigm shift that took place between my ears, but I know that relationships don’t work that way. And so maybe there was a thoughtful change in my son as well but since I can only control my own thoughts and actions I need not speculate on what went on in his brain. All I know is that my step fathering status is like I have always wanted. He asks my advice again and I make sure that I stop whatever I am doing and open both ears and keep my mouth shut. And before I do speak instead of a quick response I listen to my heart before I part my lips.

Growing Up

Why did it take so long? Was it because I never sired a child of my own? Or was it I just got long in the tooth and came to my senses? The great communicator that I fashion myself as, at times is but a make believe crown I placed upon my head. It was more like the one Burger King gives out to the children than the one you might find next to the Crown Jewels. 

No matter things are all out in the open now and for the moment I have recovered the patience I lost, as my son and I have come to an understanding that what he wants I want for him and he knew all along what we wanted as well. Maybe to be fair we both grew up just a little these past few weeks. 

My Resume

The mad writer is at it again. There will always be time for people to grow up and I won’t have to feel like I have a standard to maintain that no one else has to. I never thought I signed up for this kind of work and on balance it has been the best learning experience of my life. I learned that I had to sublimate my own needs because adolescents and young adults needed more egocentric care than I was used to giving. 

What I want to remember is that every time I have been the giver and reciprocity was not part of the equation I was the one that suffered the most. When my sister borrowed a tidy sum from me some 15 years ago and wound up being angry at me I realized that some people cannot take responsibility for their part of the relationship. And that’s fine because their time will come when they will have to face those decisions and hopefully act responsibly. 

In the end it matters not what anyone thinks about me because I know what my resume is.  And  as a step parent I have gone the distance and I don’t need anyone’s approval.  

When I'm Wrong I am Wrong

I stand corrected. My wife informed me that my stepson is indeed trying to find employment and that he has sent out over 100 applications to find a position. Part of my blindness is what I don’t see and I have forgotten the fact that he wants to get on with his life more than I want to see him do. And so I apologize for not really getting the story right and when I see him here I erroneously thought that he wasn’t trying. I can see that that is just not correct. I love my stepson maybe more than he knows and it’s unfortunate that I don’t communicate with him better. I will endeavor to restore the imbalance that I have created in disharmony. I still wish that he would take out the garbage sometimes.  

Briant's Dilemma

I don’t think I have been remiss in my entries into Step Dad because there really hasn’t been a whole hell of a lot to report. Gone are my frustrations with my stepson that he simply lacks the drive and initiative to make something out of his life because he just does not. He got married in a rather cavalier way figuring one of his relatives or me would simply hand him an entry-level position that paid him handsomely so that he could make a respectable living. 

Only yesterday I suggested he take a spin class with me because I had secured him a free months pass to Equinox an exercise club I belong to. He instantly said that he had no interest going at such an ungodly hour to the classes I attended and in my mind I thought if it wasn’t close enough to the noon hour he would have no part of that. 

I am trying not to be facetious but my son is more concerned with sleep than he is carving out a living. This is strangely attached to his low self-esteem wherein he struggles to prove his own worth to himself.  My own theory is that his mother molly coddled him like my own parents did to their last-born child. My youngest sister has some of the same deleterious expectations of entitlements that my son has although I must confess he does not have the selfish manipulation she does.  I am not sure whether to blame nature or nurture here but clearly something went awry.  

He announced to his mother that he expected to be out of the house with his lovely wife at the end of the summer. I pay no attention to such proclamations because he can’t rub two nickels together and it probably will take one of my oversized boots to give him a swift loving kick and send him reeling from the nest before his 30th birthday approaches. To be fair that is a bit of an overstatement but as usual there is no plan unless I am the architect and builder. 

A Gift Horse

I have to keep my mouth shut when I see that my stepson is not using common sense when he talks to his wife. After all it is none of my business if he chooses criticism over diplomacy.  I have waxed poetic about my daughter in law here several times. She is just wonderful on so many levels and any man would be blessed to call her his wife. However young males can speak from their head and rarely consult with their hearts first. That I can say from experience is a recipe for disaster. Just like when you’re asked: “Does this dress make me look fat?” you don’t criticize your significant others cooking. 

Hopefully he will learn in time but you don’t look a gift horse in the mouth. It’s an old cliché but it still works today.  

The Awakening

It is the day after amateur night. I suppose that it is good January 1, 2011 has fallen on a Saturday. It gives me time to decompress before I have to take on yet another year being responsible for 3 people that don’t seem to be cognizant of who or what I am. They might think they do but my stepson and wife are totally self absorbed in what is their future while they continue to rely on me to house them. And my wife turns a dear ear and blind eye in the hopes that her time passes uneventfully.  

As far as my son and wife are concerned it is not so much about wanting them gone, as it is that they continue to take me for granted and think I am impervious to pain and incapable of feelings that my needs are certainly not being met. I am not their custodian while they play house. This has nothing to do with love it is just about being reasonable and this situation is totally unreasonable. 

 There continues to be no plan about the future only talks about it. I live day-to-day hoping things will change by themselves. I have started to awaken but I still feel so all-alone.  I am acknowledged but only ceremoniously and there is no substance in that at least not for me. I have asked the question about what I need to do because no one here seems motivated to make change. Even after I got my stepson a job, he continues to be  penurious while I continue being magnanimous.