The Neophyte

Some 12 ½ years later my stepson still asks for my counsel. I must treat it with reverence, because if I don’t I run the risk of him not coming back for more complicated advice when it really means something.  At times I have been dismissive when he has tried to talk to me about subjects that seem arcane and remote and my attitude has sometimes been supercilious.  I regret that because although my experience tells me his questions are irrelevant or even speculative, they are relevant to him. I must not take his being a neophyte in some of the ways of the world as a reason to ever treat him with disdain else it will be me feeling remorseful one day soon.  

The Balance

 I came to a revelation about criticism of my stepson. In the almost 2 ½ years since my Chinese daughter in law has lived with us, I have never once complained, felt resentment towards or had a cross word with her.  She is my barometer of my own equanimity toward any commentary I have had about her husband.  

It is the balance that I always look for even though my emotions sometimes get the better of me. Instinctual automatic thoughts plague me at times and a lot of them are self centered and righteous.  This young woman from a half world away has been the second agent sent by a power greater than myself to indoctrinate me and help me recover from my stinking thinking. 

The Dunce

In the female world from my set of bi focal glasses I am held hostage on a number of fronts.  As a stepfather, it is not what I have done it is what I am failing at now that makes the daily headlines. Only today my wife didn’t like the way I was handling my stepson’s double speculations about his and his wife’s lives going forward.  His biological father is nowhere on the radar screen to weigh in albeit one slice of American cheese, yet my attitudes are given the scrutiny of a mollycoddling mother that just never wants her little boy to ever grow up even though she will never admit that. The second front that bedevils me each and every day, my own intelligence. It is a curse and for all those claims that I am a genius, I am the biggest dope in the corner of the classroom with the dunce cap firmly planted on my oversized noggin.    

Stepdad a Retrospective

I often think of how my stepchildren would have fared had I not entered their life. Make no mistake this is not going to be an entry about Jack the blowhard. My suspicion is they would have turned out just fine without me.  However, I do know their lives wouldn’t have been the same had I not entered their life, sometimes for the worse but I am confident mostly for the better. 

I know that I have done much better than their biological father could ever do but as I have chronicled he was never up to the task of being a father. Not his fault it was just not his strong suit. Of course the fact that I did not sire children gave me a different lens on how to be a custodian for children that were older and had already made up their minds about how they were going to live their life. The consistency of my sobriety kept the aberrant behavior they had to endure to a minimum.  

What factor did I have in their lives?  I suppose they had a home base that they knew would not contain the strife they had learned to live with in their past life. They knew that for the most part I was a reasonable man even though I thought I had gone beyond reason at times. I suppose I might change some things like establishing boundaries and being just a bit tougher with my stepson and his lack of drive at times but all in all with out a book I did my assignment fairly well. I give myself a B-.  

Wind Shift

 The household is still as confusing as it ever was but only different. My stepson is gainfully employed and I have one person to thank over and over for that small miracle. This woman has changed my life because she believed in my son once removed by marriage. He is a great young man because like me his is in touch with his anima.  The fact that he has an income will bring changes that I have been wishing for and like my friend keeps telling me: Be careful what you wish for, you just may get it. 

Letting Go of the Tow Rope

 I have sometimes wondered what it might be like if I let go of the tow rope that keeps my family with a roof over their head and all the amenities of 21st century living. That might sound rather heartless and look like I am trying to shirk my manly duties, but that’s hardly the case. When one does the work that I do and I don’t get applause for weaving around those poles when I head downhill there’s a problem Houston. 

 I make sure that I validate everything my nuclear family does, but it saddens me that I don’t get the validation for the work that I do and the effort I put forth. I think part of it is because I’m the smart one and I’m the one who is self-sufficient and doesn’t need any soft soap. But therein lies the rub I need my butt patted once in awhile and a look in the eyes that shows they know what the hell I am going through. 

So wake up family I may be the smart one but right now I’m feeling pretty stupid.   

Turnabout

As if by magic,  things can change simply after an exchange of words takes place.  It never occurred to me that my conversation with my stepson less than a week ago about the new job, would change 180 degrees. He was certain that this position was not for him. In fact his father, bless his heart told him that it was the wrong kind of work for him.  Since 1998 his biological father has told him nothing on his plate was the right thing to do including marrying his wife.  

Turns out in a conversation with his mother and another with his cousins, sister and new brother in law yesterday,  that he indeed does like it. I was the last to know but that matters little,  it's just my ego bruised. I can rest easy as least he has some place to go and I am sure he will go as far as he wants to with it. 

So there is a God after all.  

Storm on the Horizon

Things at home are unsettled once again. I keep having resentment poke it’s head through the hole in my heart. It keeps saying why am I in this situation?  My wife says I don’t have to stay here. Which is a non-sequitir if I have ever heard one. What self-respecting man let’s his life unfold this way? Is it my own fear or is there a reluctance to change the environs because I see no alternative now? I am not sure.  I have done my best even though I am expected to do still more.  The biological father must be laughing at me, but that’s not what worries me.  I think what’s on my mind is the fact that my wife is content to leave things status quo and not having much care how unhappy I am. There are moments of clarity and relative calm but I know there is a storm in the forecast. 

I know that I am complicit in all that has happened but that does not mean that I have to sit by and take abuse just because someone thinks I deserve it or can take it.  Eventually I will simply unhook my collar and…

Triple Speculation

My beloved stepson and I had a confab last night, and even though I was shouting, it wasn’t at him.  My raised voice was merely aimed at trying to erase his natural tendency to be a half glass full young man.  He is mired in speculation, double speculation and dare I say triple speculation.  The phrase: if, then is burned on his hard drive. My speculation is that this is an inborn carryover from his biological father, because I don’t think we (his mother and I) have simulated the environment to foster such a track of programmed thought.

My son is caught in the web that benefits are of more import than his chosen vocation. In my opinion that is like wearing the shirt inside out. It’s not a disconnect however, because his true passion is music and he has virtually given up on that ever happening and so his thoughts have turned to his treasure, his lovely Min.  I have waxed poetic about her in previous posts, so I won’t get sidetracked here. Most assuredly this young man is talented beyond his own comprehension and reminds me of yours truly.  He is still young, and whatever power and influence still lies with me to instill in him, I will try to impart.  

This is an ongoing story and you will hear more as it unfolds.  

Killjoy Was Here

He’s got a job!  What would normally be a joyous event was turned into a Killjoy party.  Last night as he asked me for my GPS and EZ-Pass he was lamenting the fact that he had to drive to the Bronx for training at dawn.  I turned to my wife with a look of an expletive phrase and she waved her hand as if to say, ignore him. I was amazed, disheartened, and my popcorn got burned instead of popping.  

Nothing seems to make my stepson happy except for the latest exercise regimen he has discovered on the Internet or what type of organic foods and supplements he should ingest.  I know he is still relatively young and he has changed dramatically from the days of “The four year ordeal, getting him up for school”, but when you witness progress, it never seems to move along to a pace beyond the lower speed limit, because speaking personally I want it to hurtle, rather than like the imperceptible movement of the minute hand on a watched clock.  

Although to be fair, maybe it is my son’s defense mechanism to prevent him from getting too high on anything until he can wrap his brain around the fact that he really likes something or not. Time of course will tell, and I told him that no matter what happens it is not a reflection on me that is going to put me on a hot tin roof.  Cat or no cat. 

He Lands a Job

There was not much celebration from my stepson as I helped him secure a position that will pay him a decent wage yesterday. There still seems to be no sense of urgency in this young man.  I am sure he thinks his sister or someone will come up with a position worthy of his full time satisfaction.  I personally do not think he is cut out for sales but hey either did I think I was either.  

I told him that just because he wants to play shortstop for the Yankees, if the Cincinnati Reds come calling you go play for them. His response is of course but he has this sense that he knows what this new position is all about simply by reading about it and consuming the synopsis from one of his friends. He is quite frankly nonplussed. Reactions aside I am just happy that he will be gainfully employed at long last.  

My daughter in law left for Manhattan and lived to tell about it yesterday and from my wife’s account she had a wonderful time. One of her new found Chinese friends who were born with a silver no make that a platinum spoon in her mouth was ordering around the help at a restaurant they attended as if she was Royalty incarnate. My daughter in law thinks it’s all very amusing, and I am glad she was not my offspring, as she would have received a few bottom spankings along her way out of childhood. 

My main intent for myself is to stay out of resentment and coast into the time that the birds fly and land in their own nest.  I still haven’t gotten my dumpling dinner and it’s nigh on three weeks since their return from the Orient. Am I allowed to say that? Too bad, I just did. 

The Compost Pile

After seeing my new therapist last night, I might have been left with the feeling that I am being taken for granted. I am the only one working at present in this household, footing all the bills.  I don’t get molly coddled enough. I have virtually bankrupted myself keeping this albatross around my neck.  I am not blaming anyone for my economic situation but I would like just a little more consideration and moral support just so I know that they know. Lucky for me my higher power has blessed me with great talent so I will always be able to generate money.

 I refuse to let the resentments that used to consume me overtake my resolve, because I know that God didn’t take me this far to drop me on my head or those that depend on me to keep a roof over their heads. And as I look out over the landscape in my backyard blanketed with fallen leaves I intuitively know that I am not destined for the compost pile, not yet anyway.

Job Hunt

Nearly one week after the Wedding of the Century, life returns to normal at my household. I can feel the sense of urgency from my stepson to be employed, and he exhibits some of the same issues of the mind that faced me when I first looked into the workplace wondering what I wanted to do when I grew up.  The problem today is that with the American economy in disarray, the influence of the internet and the confusion of young people what career path they should take makes the job search confusing and daunting. Years ago, even I subscribed to the idea my Dad did, staying with one company and build a career there. I didn’t follow that even remotely but in my last position I maintained a presence for 15 years before circumstances demanded that I pick out a new stadium and a new team.  I took pride that I was somewhere more than a year, but that strategy is not necessarily the most intelligent or the most profitable. 

I watched my step daughter pursue a career she didn’t even go to college for, but once she was able to secure her first entry level position she hop scotched her way adroitly from one company to another, and after several jumps landed back at her first company at quadruple her compensation. Unfortunately, this path of success has not inspired my stepson.  Quite the contrary, I think it has paralyzed him. He is too caught up in job descriptions, where he will be located and placing all his hopes on that” one” job that will give him a representative salary to support him and his lovely wife. Trouble is he lives here and that has stunted his aggressiveness in pursuing a job any job, because he can theoretically take his time even though I believe he is motivated to ‘get out there.' His comment; we are trying to get out of here as soon as possible, misses the point that he interview and take the first job offered if it pays a market rate and not hold himself out until his first pick presents itself on a silver platter.  I am leaving this job thing to my wife because I feel I will only complicate the situation that is turning increasingly critical. I will try to provide any opportunity I can through the contacts I have as limited as that is.  

My Step Daughter's Wedding

My stepdaughter’s wedding yesterday was magnificent and what was remarkable to me beyond the magnitude of the celebration was the exacting attention to detail my middle stepdaughter paid to the affair. The elements of her dexterity are too numerous to mention but nonetheless, I will try. The cocktail hour had a selection of food that only several restaurants could claim as their cuisine. Every meat, fish and vegetable you could imagine cooked, sauteed and served with flair and perfection. The staff navigated in and out of the flotilla of guests like they had sensitive radar on their serving trays. 

The entrance to the reception hall was handled with superb orchestration and the music, food and guests were so convivial, it was indeed the best wedding I have ever attended bar none. Her new nieces and nephews stole the show in so many ways. They danced for nearly six hours, were precocious and their performance galvanized the whole ensemble and made the merger of the two families seem like melted butter on toast.  

These will be lasting memories on my hard drive and I am delighted that I was part of her life these past 12 years. Great love and success K & H.  

Wedding of the Century? Yes, in many ways it indeed was. 

The Mantle

Ten weeks flashed by and I guess I am feeling rather numb more than anything else. I really want to get back to what I hoped I had learned here from my own writing.  My wish is that I have made a difference in  five people’s lives. My three stepchildren, my wife and my daughter in law. I think that my behavior has seen the full range from critical acclaim to elements of disdain.  I have tried harder more than I was lax, but the mantle of stepdad is something I must take up again because my blended family needs me right here, right now and for the near distant future I am committed to seeing my middle step daughter have a wonderful wedding and for my son and his lovely bride, employment and a nest of their own so they can populate the next generation. 

The Arrival

Is just a few short days away. Back from China the immigrants will come. What did I accomplish in the ten weeks they were away?  I can’t say that being alone was the best thing I enjoyed. I think it was the fact that I lost the feeling of resentment and the obligation of carrying the financial burden of my blended family. I certainly missed the authentic Chinese cooking and I also  know that my wife misses her daughter in law. They worked pretty seamlessly while she was away courtesy of the internet.  

The wedding of my middle step is close at hand and the year passed like time lapse photography. Her brother and sister in law are arriving less than 48 hours before the big event and it leaves little time for any last minute attire adjustments or God forbid the plane from half way cross the world gets delayed somehow. 

I will be sure to re visit my relationship with my son and his wife and maybe I learned something about patience and tolerance, which is an ongoing practice that can never reach perfection. 

Are You In Or Are You Out?

As an adult when staying with my father at his home in Florida, he wanted to know when I was coming home. At 40 years old, I was slightly indignant. I’m a grown man not your child anymore. What I forgot was that I was his son and as long as I was under his roof he felt he had the right to know if I was going to be staying out all night or coming back home to the house. Not an invasion of my privacy or even being parental. The thought carries forward with adult step children.  As long as they live with you, don’t be afraid to ask them to tell you what their plans are.  You needn’t ask them details of their night out but just have them tell you if they’ll be home late or not. There’s nothing more foreboding when someone is missing from their bed and you weren’t told they would be somewhere else. 

When Silence Isn't Golden

As I get my priorities in focus, the things I thought were more important become painful reminders that my life is not about what I do, but who needs me. The only measure of success is who will miss me if I were gone. If the answer is in muted silence, then all the accolades in the world will not awaken the lightest sleeper. 

The Quiet Man

The quiet is maybe too quiet. As much as I had looked forward to being alone, it seems to have a hollow feeling. I got used to being angry and now that I am feeling nothing I am sorry that I have not taken a more concerted approach to what I want, and that  disturbs me.  

Wedding of the Century

Well, maybe not the century but one that will mark a point in my wife’s life that will be cherished and talked about for the rest of her natural born days. I have told my middle step daughter that based on the preparation she has put into her nuptials it should last a week. A few hours will never do the justice it deserves because every detail has been programmed in by her with exacting detail as her antithetical fiance watches in baleful amusement. She has witnessed no less than 10 of her friends get married, and enrolled   in various stages of planning for their weddings as well, so she certainly has the acumen for her own version of tying the knot. I have kidded her that she probably has her nanny already picked out even before conception.  

She has been kind to include me as “one of her dads” and asked me to speak from the church lectern, either the homily or a reading from scripture. It will make me proud because Heather has taught me the most about being a step dad and for that I will be eternally grateful. 

 I had better get to the Men’s Wearhouse to take my measurements as I have put it off long enough thinking I might lose another pound or two based on the ridiculous regimen of Spin I put myself through.  


P.S.
I did and found that I had lost 3 inches off my waist. And step daughter, the other dad's have not found their way to the fitting room. 

Plan B

This place I find myself in as a step dad,  has left me feeling that I have no active emotion. Because I have no ongoing conflict with the living arrangements of my stepson and his wife while they are away, the troubling aspect of it is that I am lacking the formulation of a plan that makes sense for all of us when they come back. It is rather distressing that the source of my irritation is based in resentment and not coming from a place of loving kindness.  While I have the time to let my irritability subside I could be developing with my wife a set of rules and timeline for him when he gets back.  The fact that I am not doing that leads me to believe I am just being slothful or it might be that my wife cannot even entertain such an idea because it is already solved in her mind.  

My Boundaries

How do I tend my appropriate boundaries?  When you give up your boundaries or never knew where or what they are, I am at a loss as to where my responsibilities begin and where they end.  Too often I thought I needed to attend to everything, not because I was seeking control but because I viewed my role to be the savior, and that I was simply compelled to do whatever I could even if it was out of the realm or reasonableness. Sheer knowledge in this case is powerlessness.  

Isolation Part 3

 One of my confidants uses the word “chaos” to describe their situation regarding her relationships with friends and family. My word is “isolation.”  I tend to withdraw from mine when they are not heading in the direction I would, let’s say prefer. What has been brought to my attention is that I am highly relational but horrible in relationships. The enigmatic part of my character has me gregarious, outgoing and talking to strangers in every situation, yet I cannot count one friend that I can call my ‘buddy.  I am in a sense alone in the company of strangers.  I can create feelings in a rock yet I don’t know what mine are.  It would seem that it would be reasonable that someone who has charisma might be adept at personal relationships. However, it is just the opposite.  

Freedom Has it's Benefits

The serenity continues. In fact this idea of living without step children and in my case married adults, is giving me a healthier sense of self. I feel more relaxed in every way. I do not have to contend with younger people and their particular needs. Whether they be stated or unstated. They have needs that I cannot fulfill. I want to live day to day by myself so that I can see what direction my life needs to take, not to be nursemaid to the next generation.  I need solitude so that I can grow emotionally, spiritually and mentally.  

Don’t get me wrong I loved being a Step Dad but my tenure has to change to Adult Step Dad. 

Swimming

If you can submerge your ego just a bit and let nature dole out what needs to be said the better off you will be. What I mean is that when you open your mouth it usually makes things worse not better and you are better off leaving your blended family to their own foibles without you calling attention to them. They will love you for it and when they see their miscalculations themselves it is the lesson they will remember better than if you tried to tell them.

Counter Clockwise

It’s abundantly clear that I absolutely love the empty nest, and their is no syndrome being felt inside this Stepdad. It almost feels like vacation, because the days seem like 12 hours long and I if I could miniaturize myself I would be pulling back the minute hand counter clockwise just to be able to savor the time in a big uncrowded house.  I have sent resentment to the garage where it will hopefully wither and die. I pray that my 70 day respite softens my hardening heart.  I know the immigrants will back to thin my blood, but in the interim my pulse is slow and my blood pressure leaves me dizzy each time I rise from my deep slumber.  I don’t think my vital signs have  ever been this perfect,  and each day serenity spells peace and quiet. 

The Unhappy Boy

Has the interval of time without my stepson and daughter in law been a relief to me?  As I have written the functions of dishwasher, washer, dryer, television, electric lights, shower and running dish water all have had a precipitous decline.For instance it is the third day and the dishwasher has not been filled yet. When it is the four of us it runs daily.   But more than a household that runs a bit quieter I find myself in the curious position of being alone with my wife albeit with 6 felines. I have to admit that the conversation between us lives only when I inflate it. On a rare occasion over the last three weeks, my wife has had sporadic conversational bursts but for the most part she is silent engaged deeply in her craft of bracelets and necklaces that has occupied her time just as if she were a working girl again. Make no mistake I am happy for her and I am not complaining about the lack of attention but I do wish that she was a little more cognizant that I am not a happy boy.  

Step Dad: The Book

To the left of my own blog are book titles such as Successful Step Fathering. There are no formulaic answers that cover all topics and all situations. Step parenting in my opinion has to be individually experiential and then drawn from the feelings not as applied to with steps.   This is why I deleted them. I would like to think that an editor might find my blogging up to par to consider a book on blended families from a man's perspective. My online friend Jenn M. tells me that there are many women blogging about step parenting but not many men are doing it. I would love to add a male voice to this very special topic.

I have tried to be more than fair when giving my accounts of my family. Some say too fair and some say that I have been an enabler. I think I have been guilty because as a people pleaser I have let my step children, especially my step son not be held accountable. I want to turn in my good guy award and put respect in its place. More on this topic in the coming days.

East is East and West is West

My wife and I have had several talks with the “immigrants” by way of the computer since their departure some 12 days ago. I marvel at the clarity of the voice the internet provides, in some ways better than being on the telephone. The camera feature makes if feel as if they are right here in the living room. My step daughter was here yesterday and it was as if 5 of us were in the room at the same time. 

It is almost as if this communication ability keeps me from missing them and makes me feel they have not left at all. A double edged sword I imagine.  However the lack of their physical presence is such a welcome respite for me. Little things like the opening and closing of doors are conspicuously absent. I have a sense of peace and serenity that they at any given moment will not walk in or walk out of the room I am in. That they will not be descending the stairs headed to the kitchen to flip on the light or light the stove or start the washing machine is a treat. Silence is golden.   I guess it’s the privacy too I am enjoying most of all. At least for the moment anyway. 


P.S.
I have removed the contextual ads from my blog, because they are just formulaic in nature and run contrary to what I am writing about.  Being a step parent is ad hoc and steps 1-12 will just not do. 

11 Days On

So many things are apparent to me beside the empty nest upstairs. Little things like the roll of paper towels I put on the ring is still half full, when it is usually gone in several days. The washer and dryer are getting a rest and so is the dishwasher. I am not cleaning the sink of debris in the drain and I am not listening to late night showers. I don’t have to shut lights out when there is no one in the room.  I know that the electric bill and the water bill will be considerably less when I get the next invoice. These are small things to be sure but there are other benefits as well.

Not since the children left a year ago, have I had complete peace of mind. My wife I know is lonely for my daughter in law as I have mentioned in this blog before. However, everyday I wake up and there is nothing to share except the air I breathe with my wife and our six felines. Even the chores I attend to at first light I do with nary a complaint. I love being alone and as the dryer stops just now I am soaking in the solitude that only an empty nest favors me with. I can be selfish without having anyone wanting something from me. I am not the caretaker for two months and God do I love that.   There is no crowd in the kitchen or the den. There are no secret conversations about plans being made that I will be made aware of after the fact. 

There is one thing I fear however, and that’s is how fast the time will evaporate and I will once again be filled with resentment. For now I am happy and I intend to savor it.  

Sneakers

If I were to represent myself in the metaphor of  what shoes I feel most comfortable  in, they would be high top sneakers. Sneakers always signified  to me the most comfortable footwear when I was a child. I loved that logo on the back heel that said: KEDS. Sneakers are emblematic to  being comfortable in my own skin.  That’s what is necessary before you are able to be empathetic with another human. 


A necessary prerequisite to successful blended families is that you walk in the shoes of the non-biological family member. If they are the child, then you must put your own agenda to the side and see life from their eyes only.  This does not mean you become a doormat to be walked on or have your needs be sublimated, but in order to be the true adult you must be able to lose many battles before you can win the war which is a successful relationship.  

The People Pleaser

The first week alone without the Immigrants (my stepson and daughter in law) is over in a double blink and as the Summer Sun loses the power of its declination and heads south for the fall, I am nonplussed as usual. I almost want to put the breaks on the clock however so I can enjoy the solitude that a two person household offers.  There is no empty nest anxiety I am experiencing, however I cannot say the same for my wife. I caught her crying as I came back from spin class yesterday morning but she refused to open up about the details. I made a searching inventory as I always do to determine if I was the miscreant but I know that is usually a selfish exercise. It’s all about her, not me.    She came out of it later in the day but I know she misses her daughter in law and the burgeoning bond they have developed working their jewelry magic together.   

My resolution to rescue her tugs at my heart strings, but I must resist as my savior days are over.  It is not so much selfish as it is that I need to redirect my feelings about what makes me happy instead of ameliorating the feelings in my wife’s solar plexus.  She is on her own road now and I hope that the sense of purpose she has found in her craft will make her take stock of her own talent and bolster her self esteem.  This is one of the most difficult actions I take as the “people pleaser” in me will not die a natural death.    

Empathy

Empathy is one of the keys to successful relationships with step children.  As humans we are sentient by nature and automatically think how every event outside ourselves affects us. This natural tendency is good mainly for survival not for relationships.  

In the beginning I thought that my personality alone would be the one theater that I would excel in, as it had always worked before in drawing people to my God given charisma.  It was the rudest awakening of my life when I found that no matter how likable I thought I was, it was a relatively useless talent when it came to stewardship as a step dad.  

I found out that step children are 1000 times more interested in what’s going on in their lives as they are about yours or what you are thinking. Once you can establish that fact in your mind and embrace it whole heartedly the easier your life will become in being with them on a day to day basis.

Freedom

The second night  of being alone, brings with it a freedom and yet its own prison as well.  The concentration of time alone with my wife has challenges of where we are going after our 12 year journey. We have not looked at our situation since we moved here some 7 years ago.  That of course will bear closer examination. I have lamented that the excuses are aplenty when it comes to her son and patience shorter than a cigarette match when I start to complain.  

  I have been so absorbed in being angry and resentful of my stepson that I no longer have his presence to be concerned with at least for the next ten weeks anyway.  His sense of taking responsibility will hit him right between the eyes when he returns and I think this time my wife will make sure he will have little time to walk around in his underwear and playing video games. His mother cited just the other day that his elder sister works three jobs to make money. He was incredulous at the thought and his slothful response was that one job was just enough for anyone.  So much less time this time come October will I spend ruminating about how he is not contributing. I will make sure over the next 70 days that my wife and I have a united front, within 24 hours of his arrival back from the ancient world of the Orient. 

70 Days

It is but three days more and my wife and I will be alone again in our big house. No more soup noodles or fried wontons for 10 weeks.My stomach will miss those gastronomic delights. Gone will be my son in his underwear parading the muscles of his upper torso and those long workouts in the garage. I will miss him nonetheless.   Gone too will be my daughter in law, who I will miss dearly. My wife will miss her more  as their growing fondness has been a Godsend for both as they search for their individual sense of purpose. 

Gone is my present resentment of not having the luxury of being able to take ten weeks off with no responsibility and my subsidy. At least for now, I am sated in the fact that this is how I want my life to be like, free of residents that have stayed too long no matter how much I love them. By the way  son and daughter in law,  if you are reading this, next to your mother, I do love you with all my heart.   

Crowded House

My step children will all be here today as my wife prepares a dinner for all of them and their spouses.  I am in a state of calm as I talk to my middle step daughter who in reality is the voice of reason. She has little patience for ineptitude and sloth.  I love that about her even though I do not have her acumen for the detail she is capable of and carries out in her life. 

Her fiance is an amiable sort of chap with a serious mind and a preponderance toward the lighter side of life. He is not caught up in the detail his future spouse is, and he lends his jocularity with almost free abandon. I think they are a great match but I am hardly one to be a judge of that.  My eldest daughter is my woman-child and I am always concerned about her and what damage the broken marriage did to her psyche. She is married to a gentle caring man and I am glad she is in his care.  

Little China

Things are relatively quiet up in Little China which is just upstairs in my house. I have quieted the savage beast in me that occasionally rears it’s ugly head. Even when that happens, I do not lose sight of how blessed that I am caring for offspring that are not my own. It has been a journey that started a little over 12 years ago, even though my apprenticeship as a Step Dad did not start on that first date in June. I had no idea back then of just how complex a task of love being a father figure would be. 

That seminal moment, when all three of my wife’s children arrived in Huntington for an overnight stay, and I started to feel selfishly crowded, I told my wife that I didn’t sign up for this. She said in no uncertain tones, Yes you did.  With a deep breath and a sigh I knew she was right, and I also knew that my lone wolf days were over.  

This summer has rocketed by and my role as father figure has to take a more active role  when my birds come back in late October.  It is for their own good that lovingly I bump them out of their perch and I know (even if they don’t) that they can fly. If they fall from the sky my hands will be outstretched even if I grumble a bit. My legacy as a step dad will be further tested and not without challenges because the future generation although not conceived yet (I hope) will be the next chapter, and one I am looking forward to. However, please don’t tell my kids that. 

What a Difference a Day Makes

What a difference a day makes. A song written by a Spanish composer and then translated into English lyrics in 1934 was made popular by Dinah Washington in 1959 if my information is correct. In any case, it is the day after and just like I thought the irate feelings have abated and this lesson alone is worth it’s weight in gold. I could now have a conversation about what made me mad with most of the anger filtered out. A wonderful idea in how to avoid arguments, wait but one day. I do feel remarkably  better. I am so glad I held my tongue because my voice now will be heard albeit in much more muted tones. Thank you again my friend and thank you too Dinah Washington. May your soul rest in peace. 

Tied Up in Anger

I am so fortunate to have a friend like Michael. For it is in his friendship that I can vent my frustration and anger without clouding up and raining all over my wife and family. In AA I discovered that if I waited just one day when anger struck that I would feel differently the very next day. In fact AA held the premise that anger was best left to those who could handle it. I am clearly not an expert getting my point across when I am hot under the collar.  However, still being subject to human emotion and character defects as well as shortcomings, it is not always easy to refrain and take the high road when it comes to anger. 

A mere fifteen minutes with my friend and my bonds have been loosened and there is a sense of calmness that covers me right now.  I will not claim that it is serenity, but given time and understanding that will return as well.  

The Cat's Out of the Bag

I want my step son to know that I love him and his wife.The choice he made choosing his  spouse was a stroke of pure brilliance. I want him also to know that the insight he had in finding his life partner is of the same talent he can use to make his own way in the world. 

It could be said that now the cat’s out of the bag because we never really seemed to have a dialogue about the specifics of our life together. I have been guilty of being an enabler and not done right by him. We should have had a family conversation long before an open forum on the internet. Okay, I can’t engage in revisionist history, but when he and his bride come back in late October we will have an open forum. I discussed this very issue with his mother this morning and I was surprised she agreed. Sometimes I don’t give her enough credit when it comes to matters of the heart and her children.  

The Chauffeur

Today as if my magic my step son and his wife had me carpeting them to the train station because they know I am the early riser and could I take them to the train station to get their visas for their upcoming two month hiatus to China.  I agreed because I so easily slip back into my  people pleasing mode and frankly it was not out of my way as I was headed to a spin class at my gym.  I told them that I could take them to the 4 minutes after the hour train and they agreed so they could avoid the carfare and they  didn’t feel they could ask their mother as she is not an early riser.  

However, both of them think that tardiness is a virtue and they had me waiting to taxi them.  Not a big deal I told myself but the resentment reared its ugly head again as my son has marshaled himself yet another vacation and this one, two months in duration. I reminded myself that they would be out of the house and the hotel I run was closed. Then it dawned on me that they would be back for yet another stint as I head into my junior year housing the married immigrant couple upstairs. Do I sound disgruntled?  I love them dearly but when do these robins leave the nest?

The Serenity Meter

I can truly measure where I am on my serenity meter when the little things my stepson does or more likely fails to do that amp up the needle of frustration.  In the silence of the morning while everyone is still fast asleep is where I notice most of the kitchen duties he leaves for “someone else” to perform. Today it was a full drainboard and two empty cartons of ‘stuff’ that only he ingests. More likely it is the water purifier container which he usually does not refill and I use when I make the morning coffee. It’s not an act of defiance I know this, it is just that he is in his own world of making plans that he cannot be aware of the simple things a household requires when there is more than one person living here besides himself. 

There are days that I want to respond in kind and leave virtually no water in the container as he does and when I am in a good space I ignore his complacency. I have asked him before so I do not expect him to be a mind reader but how much is enough? I hate having to sound like the old woman in a shoe to harp on these seemingly minor things that drive me up a wall. And no disrespect to old women living in a shoe because I don’t want to get fired writing this blog. He’s living in a dream world and his mother is always saying he knows what he needs to do. Knowing what to do and doing it can be a grand canyon leap with a broken leg.  

It’s a mid summer nights dream and soon the immigrants as I call them will be on their way half way round the world again on another two month hiatus. Gee I want this job in my next life. Where is the application? I just have to find a step-dad willing to indulge his wife like I do mine now. In any case I needed to get this off my mind as I head toward a fall where I can walk downstairs in my underwear or in just a T shirt. There is something to be said for bodily freedom. As a caveat in case they read this entry I do not hold my stepdaughter in the same light, she has been working in the salt mines with my wife on hand made jewelry which they are selling world wide now. She needs to see her family as her father went through a recent stroke. 

Do Over

The biggest thing I would change is keeping my mouth shut. It has gotten me into trouble on many occasions. I think that your blended family gets to say almost  anything they want to short of character assassination because they are the one’s that have been hurt. Or so they think. And what they think matters 1000 times more than what you as the Step Dad thinks. Unfair, but them’s the breaks I am afraid. A man has to be able to swallow much pride and often without water.  Even though things will stick in your throat, you have to make do if you want to make love.